Is There a Britpicker in the House!
by darklotus1211
Summary: Harry Potter with an Australian flavour. Blame it on a moment of insanity. A Harry Potter scene with the Golden Trio during DH... in Aussie slang. A standard English translation is provided for those who want/need it. Hope you get a laugh!


**A/N: I hope you'll forgive my demented sense of humour - but I was thinking what would HP be like if it were written with an Australian flavour, and this little piece of insanity came to me.**

**The incongruity of Australianisms (is that even a word?) in the setting of the very British HP universe cracked me up - hope you enjoy(?) it.**

**You'll find the translation in more standard English beneath this one for those that can't make head nor tail of certain parts.**

**Disclaimer: All characters and canon situations belong to JKR and Warner Bros. The idiocy, however, is all mine!**

**Is There a Britpicker in the House?**

**by darklotus1211**

_Harry and Hermione, sitting a little way from the campfire one morning:_

'Struth, mate!' said Harry 'I miss that sheila Ginny like you wouldn't believe, and I reckon she'd be a bit of a goer too, and such a spunk - ya reckon I'd o' been in with a chance?'.

'Too right!' said Hermione, with a malicious grin 'I've heard she bangs like a dunny door in a stiff wind'

'You're as subtle as a bucket of prawns in the midday sun, Hermione – besides, that's the woman I love you're rippin' into there!' Harry said indignantly.

They cut that conversation in the neck as Ron, who'd been catching up on his sleep after doing the last watch, lying by the fire, flat out like a lizard drinking, catching flies and sounding like a chaff cutter, woke up and headed their way.

'You're up?' said Harry (asking a bleeding obvious question as a conversation starter in true Australian fashion).

'Yeah, mate, looks like it's going to be a ripper of a day, doesn't it?'.

'You hungry?' asked Hermione, 'I had a bit of luck with the fossicking last night, and managed to scab up a few bum nuts in a local chook yard that we can fry up'.

'You bloody beauty!' said Ron, his spirits lifting even further at the prospect of some decent tucker, 'Nothing like some googies for brekkie!'.

'You're a bloody perambulating stomach, you know that Ron?' Harry chided him good naturedly.

'You got that right!' replied Ron with a grin like a crack in a pie.

'If you two mongrels want to eat, you'd better get up off your rings and fetch some more wood for the fire.' grumbled Hermione, as she put the billy on to boil for their morning cuppa.

'Stone the crows! Fair go, Hermione, pull your undies out of your bum, and settle down!' said Ron in an effort to placate her, to no avail.

She'd really had enough of these two wombats, and if they expected her to cook, then they'd better get their bums into gear and pull their weight.

'Stick it up your clacker Ron! And as for you, Harry, you can go and stick your head up a dead bear's bum! Just get on with it!' growled Hermione ominously.

As the boys hurried off, Harry whispered to Ron 'She's so bloody moody!'. He lowered his voice even further 'When she gets like this, she can be as mean as catshit and twice as nasty!'.

'You got that in one,' said Ron 'she's as mad as a cut snake, that one!'.

'I heard that you pair of galahs!' shouted Hermione.

'Faarrrrrk!' they said in unison as they scuttled away, hoping she'd have gotten over her major wobbly by the time they returned.

_**Now, the translation:**_

'I swear!' said Harry 'I miss that girl Ginny more than you'd believe, and I think she'd be pretty easy to get into bed and rather enthusiastic too, and so attractive – do you think I'd have had a chance with her?'.

'I should say so!' said Hermione, with a malicious grin 'I've heard she's very promiscuous''

'You're not very tactful and rather bluntly offensive, Hermione - besides, that's the woman I love you're insulting!' Harry said indignantly.

They chopped off that conversation as Ron, who'd been catching up on his sleep after doing the last watch, lying by the fire, stretched out, completely relaxed, mouth wide open and snoring extremely loudly, woke up and headed their way.

'You're up?' said Harry, (asking a bleeding obvious question as a conversation starter in true Australian fashion).

'Yeah, mate, looks like it's going to be a really beautiful day, doesn't it?'.

'Are you hungry?' asked Hermione, 'I had a bit of luck with the fossicking last night, and managed to scavenge a few eggs in a local chicken pen that we can fry up'.

'Fantastic!' said Ron, his spirits lifting even further at the prospect of some decent food, 'Nothing like some eggs for breakfast!'

'You're a bloody glutton, you know that Ron?' Harry chided him good naturedly.

'You got that right!' replied Ron with a grin that almost split his face in two.

'If you two miscreants want to eat, you'd better get up off your backsides and fetch some more wood for the fire!' grumbled Hermione, as she put the camping kettle cum general cooking pot on to boil for their morning tea.

'Good heavens! Be reasonable, Hermione, get your knickers out of a twist, and settle down!' said Ron in an effort to placate her, to no avail.

She'd really had enough of these two stupid idiots, and if they expected her to cook, then they'd better get moving and pull their weight.

'Stick it up your backside Ron! And as for you, Harry, you can go and stick your head up a dead bear's bum! (I felt this insult was self explanatory) Just get on with it!' growled Hermione ominously.

As the boys hurried off, Harry whispered to Ron 'She's so bloody moody!' He lowered his voice even further 'When she gets like this, she can be particularly unpleasant!'

'Well said,' said Ron 'she's mental!'

'I heard that you pair of gibbering fools!' shouted Hermione.

'F&^k!' they said in unison as they scuttled away, hoping she'd have gotten over her snit by the time they returned.

**LOL! **

**Hope you got a giggle out of it! Reviews are always greatly appreciated!**

**DL xxxx**

**PS: For those of you wondering what a prawn is, it's the Aussie word for a shrimp.**


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